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An Open Letter to Fruit of the Loom

August 25, 2010

Thoroughly enjoying my size medium undershirt outside of Gaspare's.

To Whom It May Concern:

You’ll have to excuse the formality of this letter’s opening; I am more lately known for resorting to writing letters only as a last resort or as a means to properly express my often overflowing indignation at worthless, cheating companies staffed by ignorant and sometimes belligerent employees. But, happily, this is not one of those letters!

Let me give you a brief rundown here of what I thought would be my never ending quest to find appropriately fitting undergarments. I hate to think about the money I’ve wasted on all other brands: too tight, too big, too long, too shoddy, too binding, too doesn’t-have-the-fly-in-the-right-place, too expensive, too gimmicky, too striped, too ill-fitting everywhere.

In my quest, I’d discovered that Fruit of the Loom undershirts (both the a-shirts and regular crew neck t-shirts) were a perfect fit. In the world of Fruit of the Loom, I am truly a medium. The problem with other brands is that they usually fit my chest and shoulders, but the length hangs to my knees. But enough about my robust torso and tiny baby legs.

I thought about these two successes and, while lamenting my seemingly underdeveloped little girl legs, thought I would test a hypothesis: if the shirt department had given me so much success, it might follow that the underwear department would do the same. Well, my friends, consider this a cardboard tri-fold at an elementary school science fair proving just that. It probably wouldn’t even get that Honorable Mention ribbon — since it really has nothing to do with the usual elementary school science projects like volcanoes or ice and saltwater, but if I was better at making cheap displays than writing letters, a big, gaudy science fair display would be on its way to your offices.

I just wanted to send my thanks for making clothes that fit me. And selling them in packs. And not charging a lot. It’s not like I live out of my car like Jewel used to, but how a company can charge $20 and up for undershirts seems criminal. Like cable companies. It almost makes me want to go back to my angry letter writing days. Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Patrick Sullivan

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