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Coffee Shop Boycott

April 25, 2010

Ok, this photo is technically a sit-in, but I like it, so cram it. The point is, I can’t figure out why I have such a strong dislike of coffee shops.

I mean, I know why. It’s the whole subculture: the quiet, high-nosed pretension hidden in messy hair and quirky hats, talking about “blends” over some indiscriminate jazz-like music, while customers are camped out on grungy vintage couches, their laptops shining small squares of pale blue light on short tables made of reclaimed wood, individual, oversized headphones all playing the same twenty-minute-long jam band nonsense or indie-rock girl-sings-like-an-angry-kid hit single on college radio, scattered flyers for local acoustic music on the bulletin board that lets you know where the next meeting is for character-less jerkoffs that give themselves haircuts in their mother’s bathrooms. A bunch of assholes with nothing better to do than to create a persona based on a hot drink.

Full disclosure, I cut my own hair for most of high school and college, usually in the bathroom.

Anyway. Can’t figure out where this revulsion comes from. I like coffee, but I love cheap coffee and would rather pay 50 cents at the bodega than $4 at a nice coffee shop. And I can absolutely tell the difference; coffee shop coffee is usually head and shoulders above whatever swill they’ve got at the deli. But the minute I walk into a coffee shop –– unless it’s attached to a diner –– I want to run out the door. Maybe I’m just cheap and irritable.

That’s probably it. And on that note, I’m off to the bar. Where basically the same thing happens, sans laptops plus alcohol. And unless I just got paid, I will purchase the cheapest beer and not realize the correlation between bars and coffee shops. Support your local bar. Boycott coffee shops.

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