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Home Is Where I Say It Is

December 2, 2009

The rules of capitalization are always escaping me. Anyway, “Home Is Where I Say It Is” is a phrase I’ve been turning over in my head since May, when Dave drew up a little tattoo for a german girl at Roseland; a little anatomical heart with the established saying, “Home Is Where the Heart Is.” 

The more I thought about the nice little saying, the more it seemed a little too sentimental. And I get it, that everyone longs for a place to call home, and that home can be anywhere. It can be physical, it can be mental. The idea of home can be something you carry with you, it can be a little spot you’ve carved out with your loved one,  it can be a collection of memories, it can be something that exists in music, it can live in words and it can be as simple and amazing as a house you love filled with the people you love. You know, if you’re lucky.

Yesterday, my apartment was robbed. I came home to a busted door and lock. They swiped our two laptops, digital cameras, my backup drive and some cash. It coulda been a lot worse. But long story short, my mind’s been jumping all over the place these past 24 hours. But I keep coming back to New York, thinking about moving up here and piling on other peoples’ stories about moving here, too. About being broke, being jobless, hustling constantly, breaking your back to pay your rent each month, pushing yourself through more school, more classes, more certifications, playing one more show, having more drinks to meet the right people, more bars, more exes, more hangovers, more soul-crushing nights as a bartender or waiter or door man or delivery person or, let’s face it, maybe even a more unsavory position — and then finally getting some work on top of the forty-plus hours you’re already working that will maybe –– maybe –– allow you to do what you really came up here to do in the first place. Or maybe you’ll just get laid off. 

So to think about these last four years, or last night, in retrospect and say, “Ah, well, home is where the heart is,” makes me wanna take a bat to something. Not because it’s wrong or thoughtful, but because it seems that so many people are constantly fighting just to keep their head above water that you need something a little more forceful, a little more confrontational. Sure, home is where the heart is. But more than that, it’s where I say it is. It’s where I demand it to be because God knows it’s an epic battle to muster up the heart to create the kind of home, real or imagined, that we can fondly remember or look forward to or even smile about. It’s where I say it is because I need something stable, something untouchable, something that I control. 

This could be one of the few times I pull the ol’ NYC bitch-fest. But this year has been unrelenting. Honestly, I’m of the opinion that everything in ’09 has happened for the better and I’d even make the argument that getting thousands of dollars of stuff swiped is for the best, too. I might even tell you that getting robbed just means it cuts my odds in half of getting robbed later in life when it might really matter. I might even offer to kick in your door and rob you fucking blind all in the name of making you a better person. But then I might even tell you that home is where the heart is. And I’d be willing to bet you’d wanna punch me in the mouth for it. 

Cheers, NYC. I hate you a lot of the time, but I love you for making me into the hard-nosed, paranoid curmudgeon I’ve always aspired to be. Home has nothing to do with laptops or cameras or cash. I’ll be honest, it’s where the heart is. But sometimes my heart needs jumper cables and a kick in the ass. Not sure if any of this made sense.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 3, 2009 3:28 am

    Complete sense.

  2. jennie permalink
    December 3, 2009 3:39 am

    for me, the worst would be the backup drive. did you lose a lot of photos?

    • gougetheeyes permalink*
      December 3, 2009 4:55 am

      Yeah that was the salt in the fucking wound. Music, photos from the last 4 years and various articles, writing etc… though most of those I can grab off sent emails from gmail.

  3. December 3, 2009 7:50 pm

    You want to put that on you, just let me know.

    • gougetheeyes permalink*
      December 4, 2009 12:15 am

      I’ve been mulling it over for quite a while.. when I think of a spot dude I’ll let you know.

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